Forgiveness and Leadership

Posted on aboutleaders.com.  

I have had the unique pleasure of hearing this esteemed speaker and expert on leadership address several conferences and young leaders.   This is a new piece from him that seemed of interest to share.  Here is a piece he shares on forgiveness and leadership.

Drew Dudley, on forgiveness and Leadership:

I’m almost 36 years old, and I’ve been to the funerals of 15 of my friends.  I’ve been to only six weddings.

I’ve learned a lot from the people I’ve lost.

When I was 19 years old, my parents let me host the last-day-of-school party (the one that’s been recreated in countless high school comedy movies) at our place on the lake.  I remember leaning against the cottage, snapping a photo of two of my friends as they snuggled watching the sun set, and lamenting out loud how I didn’t have someone special in my life.
My friend Scott, one of those musician/athletes with the perfect left brain/right brain balance, sat quietly next to me for a moment before saying, “Drew, for a guy who has a lot going for him, you spend a lot of time talking about the things that you don’t have.”

The Person You Are

Too young to recognize the value of a friend who tells you what you need to hear instead of what you want to hear, I shot back:

“You just think I have a lot going for me!  You don’t know what it’s like to have all this pressure!

To have everyone telling you how much they expect you to accomplish in your life!  You don’t know what it’s like to try to live up to what everyone wants!”

Scott looked at me for what seemed like an awfully long time.  Finally, he said quietly, “Drew, you don’t give your friends enough credit.  We don’t care about you because of the guy that you might become one day.  We care about you because of the person you are now.  You should try doing the same thing.”
A few weeks later, Scott was rear-ended while driving our friend Tim to work.  Both of them were killed instantly.

Profoundly Valuable Lessons

When I got a job at my university bar, a young man by the name of Jason Abraham worked with me on Tuesday nights. He was tremendously well-liked on campus, and I asked him once why so many people seemed to be drawn to him.

With a laugh he told me that, “I just try to avoid doing things that might cause me to have to say ‘I’m sorry’.  I’ve found the best way to do that is simple: every time you talk about someone, act as if they’re standing directly behind you.  Your life gets exponentially better.”

In late February of 2000, Jason was diagnosed with stomach cancer, and was gone less than a month later, a few days short of his 24^th birthday.

Never diminish the person you are in the name of what you hope to become.  Speak of people in a way you’ll never be ashamed to have heard.  Two profoundly valuable lessons I learned from people who never got to become the people they were going to be.  The thirteen others that were taken too soon left me with equally important insights that shape me to this day.  I share their wisdom wherever I can, especially to remind young people to avoid a mistake I made: assuming their value to the world can only be delivered “one day” instead of today.

No Universal Measuring Unit for Pain

Recently, after a presentation where I shared some of these stories, a young woman approached me.
“Drew, I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your presentation,” she said.  “And to let you know that I feel terrible for all of the pain you’ve gone through in your life.”
We began chatting for a few minutes, and she began to share some of her own powerful stories.  She was an international student studying in British Columbia, but before she had come to Canada, war in her home country had forced her family into a refugee camp, where she lost both her parents and her grandparents to illness.
Stunned, I asked her, “How can you say you feel terrible for the pain I’ve had in my life, when yours so obviously dwarfs mine?”

“Well,” she said, “I’ve discovered that there is no universal measuring unit for pain.  Hurt just hurts.  So why bother comparing it?”

“The more important lesson I’ve learned about pain,” she continued, “is that only hurt people hurt others.  So if I want to be the type of person who does not hurt others, I have to let go of the things that have hurt me.  I have to heal.”

Only hurt people hurt others.

As I sat on the plane home after that conversation, I realized the profound implication of accepting that fundamental truth: leaders must heal in order to lead.  We have to let go of the things that have hurt us to ensure that they don’t rise up and cause pain to someone else.  I realized that meant that leaders have to forgive.

The problem is that can be tremendously difficult, because the reason we allow so many conflicts to go unresolved is because we want to win.  We feel as if someone has wronged us in some way, and though the continuing conflict sucks value from our lives, we’re not willing to finally put it to rest, to forgive, until someone acknowledges that we were right.  That we rightly “won”.

The most inspiring leaders I know aren’t interested in winning—they’re interested in succeeding.  I think it’s crucial to remember that sometimes success is not possible if we insist on winning.

There is no weakness in forgiveness.  In fact, I think that leadership often begins only where forgiveness begins.



I’ve lost too many people in ways that I cannot control to not tell anyone who will listen that if you can save a relationship, business or personal, simply by saying “I’m sorry” or hearing “I’m sorry” (and the latter is often harder than the former), do it.  The fact is that most people reading this will have someone who is no longer in your life who you wish still was, and the only reason they’re not is you haven’t been able to say “I’m sorry”, or hear “I’m sorry”.

And guess what? That’s making you a less effective leader.  I’m not saying it’s making you an ineffective leader – but it is making you less than what you can be.

Forgiveness

The difficulty for me? I’m not good at forgiveness.  As I sat on that plane flying home, realizing that I could never be the leader I wanted to be without letting go of some of the things that have hurt me, I was rocked by the fact that I simply couldn’t do it.  There were certain people I wasn’t yet ready to forgive; certain feelings I couldn’t yet let go; even though I knew I had to.  That remains true to this day.

I’ve shared this idea in a number of places and have often been told that’s the problem: forgiveness isn’t something we can just “do” sometimes.  Recognizing its importance is one thing, acting to make it a reality is another.

The fact is this article isn’t to tell you that you need to let go of everything that’s ever hurt you, and everyone who has ever wronged you, right this moment.  However, what I think we need to do is recognize just how powerfully important it is to do it as soon as possible.

How important it is to ask ourselves each day, “am I ready to forgive?  Am I ready to make myself and my life better?”

Questions are Powerful

The answer may not be yes today, it may not be yes tomorrow, it may not be yes for a long, long time. 

However, I am convinced that recognizing the importance of the question is a crucial step in leadership.  I believe that the answer to a question asked every day will come faster than to a question asked every week, or month, or year.

Questions are powerful in leadership.  Even in the times they don’t bring us answers, they remind us of the importance of seeking them.

All rights belong to the author and his contribution to about leaders

http://www.aboutleaders.com/bid/173459/Forgiveness-and-Leadership

Part II: Alignment: Judger/Learner

There was a reason the blog signed off with a video about the book: Change your Questions, Change your life.    The first question in the next set of questions from Martha Beck is listed below.  If we focus too much on what is wrong, instead of looking towards what is right, or what could be better one can fall victim to aligning yourself and attaching negative experiences.   This traps us.

On October 27th, mygapyear has created a forum to help open two groups to question their relationships, conversations and how they align themselves with a changing world.  Young Men Finding Direction is a collaborative event hosted by mygapyear in partnership with several men who can relate to questioning being a man growing up in the 21st century.  We invite families and their sons to come and explore this question.

In the meantime, laugh and live into these questions.  

11. Where am I wrong?
This might well be the most powerful question on our list—as Socrates believed, we gain our first measure of intelligence when we first admit our own ignorance. Your ego wants you to avoid noticing where you may have bad information or unworkable ideas. But you'll gain far more capability and respect by asking where you're wrong than by insisting you're right.

12. What potential memories am I bartering, and is the profit worth the price?
I once read a story about a world where people sold memories the way we can sell plasma. The protagonist was an addict who'd pawned many memories for drugs but had sworn never to sell his memory of falling in love. His addiction won. Afterward he was unaware of his loss, lacking the memory he'd sold. But for the reader, the trade-off was ghastly to contemplate. Every time you choose social acceptance over your heart's desires, or financial gain over ethics, or your comfort zone over the adventure you were born to experience, you're making a similar deal. Don't.

13. Am I the only one struggling not to {fart} during {yoga}?
I felt profoundly liberated when this issue was raised on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update." Not everyone does yoga, but SNL reminded me that everyone dreads committing some sort of gaffe. Substitute your greatest shame-fear: crying at work, belching in church, throwing up on the prime minister of Japan. Then know you aren't alone. Everyone worries about such faux pas, and many have committed them (well, maybe not the throwing up on PMs). Accepting this is a bold step toward mental health and a just society.

14. What do I love to practice?
Some psychologists believe that no one is born with any particular talent and that all skill is gained through practice. Studies have shown that masters are simply people who've practiced a skill intensely for 10,000 hours or more. That requires loving—not liking, loving—what you do. If you really want to excel, go where you're passionate enough to practice.

15. Where could I work less and achieve more?
To maximize time spent practicing your passions, minimize everything else. These days you can find machines or human helpers to assist with almost anything. Author Timothy Ferriss "batches" job tasks into his famous "four-hour workweek." My client Cindy has an e-mail ghostwriter. Another client, Angela, hired an assistant in the Philippines who flawlessly tracks her schedule and her investments. Get creative with available resources to find more time in your life and life in your time.

16. How can I keep myself absolutely safe?
Ask this question just to remind yourself of the answer: You can't. Life is inherently uncertain. The way to cope with that reality is not to control and avoid your way into a rigid little demi-life, but to develop courage. Doing what you long to do, despite fear, will accomplish this.

17. Where should I break the rules?
If everyone kept all the rules, we'd still be practicing cherished traditions like child marriage, slavery, and public hangings. The way humans become humane is by assessing from the heart, rather than the rule book, where the justice of a situation lies. Sometimes you have to break the rules around you to keep the rules within you.

18. So say I lived in that fabulous house in Tuscany, with untold wealth, a gorgeous, adoring mate, and a full staff of servants...then what?
We can get so obsessed with acquiring fabulous lives that we forget to live. When my clients ask themselves this question, they almost always discover that their "perfect life" pastimes are already available. Sharing joy with loved ones, spending time in nature, finding inner peace, writing your novel, plotting revenge—you can do all these things right now. Begin!

19. Are my thoughts hurting or healing?
Your situation may endanger your life and limbs, but only your thoughts can endanger your happiness. Telling yourself a miserable mental story about your circumstances creates suffering. Telling yourself a more positive and grateful story, studies show, increases happiness. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, choose thoughts that knit your heart together, rather than tear it apart.

20. Really truly: Is this what I want to be doing?
It's been several seconds since you asked this. Ask it again. Not to make yourself petulant or frustrated—just to see if it's possible to choose anything, and I mean any little thing, that would make your present experience more delightful. Thus continues the revolution.

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Martha-Becks-20-Questions-That-Could-Change-Your-Life_1/3#ixzz27m8mvqKq

Part 1: Alignment: Find the Questions First

Today's blog is part of the fourth and final blogs that relate back to the Book of Awesome.  The power of questions and questioning bring us to unique spaces, both in body and mind that help us to align our vision with our goals.  Ultimately, we see results through this process.    Let's explore some questions, both from tow insightful woman Martha Beck and Marilee Adams. 
 

20 Questions That Could Change Your Life

Finding the answers starts with posing the right questions—and Martha Beck has 20 to get you started.

By Martha Beck

 

1. What questions should I be asking myself?
At first I thought asking yourself what you should be asking yourself was redundant. It isn't. Without this question, you wouldn't ask any others, so it gets top billing. It creates an alert, thoughtful mind state, ideal for ferreting out the information you most need in every situation. Ask it frequently.

2. Is this what I want to be doing?
This very moment is, always, the only moment in which you can make changes. Knowing which changes are best for you comes, always, from assessing what you feel. Ask yourself many times every day if you like what you're doing. If the answer is no, start noticing what you'd prefer. Thus begins the revolution.

3. Why worry?
These two words, considered sincerely, can radically reconfigure the landscape of your mind. Worry rarely leads to positive action; it's just painful, useless fear about hypothetical events, which scuttles happiness rather than ensuring it. Some psychologists say that by focusing on gratitude, we can shut down the part of the brain that worries. It actually works!

4. Why do I like {cupcakes} more than I like {people}?
Feel free to switch out the words in brackets: You may like TV more than exercise, or bad boys more than nice guys, or burglary more than reading. Whatever the particulars, every woman has something she likes more than the somethings she's supposed to like. But forcing "virtues"—trying to like people more than cupcakes—drives us to vices that offer false freedom from oppression. Stop trying to like the things you don't like, and many vices will disappear on their own.

5. How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?
Your existence is already a factor in world history—now, what sort of factor do you want it to be? Maybe you know you're here to create worldwide prosperity, a beautiful family, or one really excellent bagel. If your impressions are more vague, keep asking this question. Eventually you'll glimpse clearer outlines of your destiny. Live by design, not by accident.

6. How do I want to be different because I lived in this world?
In small ways or large, your life will change the world—and in small ways or large, the world will change you. What experiences do you want to have during your brief sojourn here? Make a list. Make a vision board. Make a promise. This won't control your future, but it will shape it.

7. Are {vegans} better people?
Again, it doesn't have to be vegans; the brackets are for you to fill in. Substitute the virtue squad that makes you feel worst about yourself, the one you'll never have the discipline to join, whether it's ultra-marathoners or mothers who never raise their voices. Whatever group you're asking about, the answer to this question is no.

8. What is my body telling me?
As I often say, my mind is a two-bit whore—by which I mean that my self-justifying brain, like any self-justifying brain, will happily absorb beliefs based on biases, ego gratification, magical thinking, or just plain error. The body knows better. It's a wise, capable creature. It recoils from what's bad for us, and leans into what's good. Let it.

9. How much junk could a chic chick chuck if a chic chick could chuck junk?
I believe this question was originally posed by Lao Tzu, who also wrote, "To become learned, each day add something. To become enlightened, each day drop something." Face it: You'd be better off without some of your relationships, many of your possessions, and most of your thoughts. Chuck your chic-chick junk, chic chick. Enlightenment awaits.

10. What's so funny?
Adults tend to put this question to children in a homicidal-sounding snarl, which is probably why as you grew up, your laughter rate dropped from 400 times a day (for toddlers) to the grown-up daily average of 15. Regain your youth by laughing at every possible situation. Then, please, tell us what's funny—about everyday life, about human nature, even about pain and fear. We'll pay you anything.

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Martha-Becks-20-Questions-That-Could-Change-Your-Life_1/2#ixzz27m6clUcl

Also, if you prefer to listen and learn an interview from Marilee Adams.